The frustrations of working with people are hard to handle at times. Working with people who are commonly ignored or neglected brings a whole other set of issues to the table. I've been very lucky in the past to do some of this very taxing but oh-so-rewarding work amidst an amazing community. My co-workers in a previous position were amazing resources for fresh ideas and support. My community at home was just as wonderful. My seven (yes seven) roommates and I knew that we were there for each other to vent our frustrations, share our victories, and even just be a shoulder to lean- or cry- on when the burden of everyone else's problems got a little too heavy. It was the ideal place to start out it social work, if not just a little misleading. Now I am in a situation where I am, in a lot of ways, completely alone.
In my current position, I am the only staff member on site. For about the last half-hour of the day, I am the only adult on the property period. Aside from this being a total liability and logistical nightmare, the more immediate consequence for me is that on the job, I am on my own. I have nowhere to turn for backup or support and very little recourse when things aren't going smoothly. In a room with fifteen to twenty kids at a time, it's a rare occasion that everyone is happy. It's more likely that there is a small group doing what they're supposed to be, another group pretending they're doing what they're supposed to do while they gossip full volume about other kids at school, at least a couple boys picking on each other or on one of the girls, and there is constantly someone climbing on a table or standing on a chair. It's my job to tame these wild creatures and get them to learn and have fun- usually with one of them glued to my hip whining about how she doesn't want to do ANY of the activities she has to choose from.
Ideally, there might be another adult around who could referee an argument while I pull the six year old off of the bookshelf or sit down and explain why, no, we don't "just hit them back." But it's just me. So I have to prioritize. Do I answer the math questions, or have a serious conversation about the bullies at school? Do I address the boy who is calling the other kids names or the girl squealing at the top of her lungs? If I go get ice for the girl who fell on the floor chasing another girl around the room, I won't have a chance to stop the girl who is throwing crayons at her sister from across the room. If I choose to go get the boys hiding under the couch cushions in the library, I won't be able to intercept the girl rummaging through my desk looking for the markers she's not allowed to use because as soon as I leave the room, a fight will break out over a stolen pencil. Then I will have to break that up and by then it's snack time and everyone wants to know why I'm not feeding them.
Okay, so I'm treading water for three hours without any adult interaction. I can handle that. Once I go home- usually late because I have to catch up on paperwork that I didn't have time to do while chasing kids around- I'm exhausted. I haven't accomplished anything, and am so frustrated with the day that I'm completely unmotivated to even keep trying. Normally, in previous positions, I had other people to go to. I could commiserate with coworkers or debrief and relax with my roommates just to get the frustration off my chest and off my mind so I could once again see the precious children inside of those little hell raisers. Now, however, I don't exactly have that.
It's hard to explain the pressures and stresses of social service to someone who hasn't experienced them first hand. So, even when I have people who want to hear about what's going on, it just sounds like general bitching and moaning. I don't want to be that girl that can only complain, so I try not to. This is the kind of job that is easy to take home and requires an outlet to avoid burnout. My roommates and I all worked in social services and all generally understood what we were each up against. We had each others' backs during the week and knew how to help each other relax and let go on the weekends. This time around, I knew I wasn't going to have that support and I thought I was ready for it going in. I was not mentally prepared for how much harder it would be, though. Combine being alone at work, struggling to do a job where I can't possibly succeed with having no good way to let it go at the end of the day and by Friday, I get off work already anxious about going back on Monday.I got a jury duty summons the other day and was actually excited that it meant I didn't have to work that day.
I guess if I had a more exciting job, people would want to hear more about it and it would be a little easier to unwind after work. Or if I worked with ANYONE. It's not all bad, I have some great moments with my kids too, but just like any other situation, no one really wants to hear that much about someone else's kids. That's not to say that no one is willing to listen. While they are few and far between, there are some people in my life who honestly take an interest in what I'm doing, or at least try to be there for me when I need it. There are even a few who are able to sit and talk with me at length and help me keep things in perspective. I can't thank those people enough, but the longer this goes on, the more frustrated I get. The more frustrated I get with my job, the more frustrated I get with myself and with people in general. I don't want to be one of those people who is always negative. As a result, I'm getting more and more antisocial by the day. It's getting to be a pretty dizzying cycle.
So I'm in a bit of a quandary. Is this really a job I can keep doing? If it keeps wearing me out, and I keep getting worse, am I really doing anyone any good? Do I just keep trudging through with the expectation that I will someday get a handle on it and my anxiety will eventually level out allowing me to actually help one of these kids? Or do I just cut my losses and find a cushy desk job where I can play on facebook all day? Sorry, no answers today. Just questions.
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